i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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