I cockslap morals
The best revenge is premature balding
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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