Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize