A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize