I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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