3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize