i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
