I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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