I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
