they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
