I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
