If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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