I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
