quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
