is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I looked at my own cervix.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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