Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
