I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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