all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
