I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You're like the curious george of whores
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
