why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
