You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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