honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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