I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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