Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
