dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
