Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
