my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
