Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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