I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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