I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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