are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
