i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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