So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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