Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
