you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
