I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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