lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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