quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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