I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
