did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I want a musical about memes.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
