God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
