Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
