my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
