There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
