I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
