We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
