I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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