Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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