Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
