So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
