Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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