I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
40s are totally the cure
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
