Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
