Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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