I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
