You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
