false alarm. still invincible.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
