good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
