Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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