Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
