the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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