So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
