Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
