I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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