The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
