sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
