I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
