Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
